Friday, March 5, 2010

Status Update 101

I've had a Twitter for over a year now. I only got one, because a lot of my friends from Livejournal started to get them. I liked the idea of being able to just have a site that is basically status updates, so I didn't have to read ridiculously long blog posts to figure out what my friends were up to. I also liked that a lot of bands/celebrities/whatevers were getting them, too, so I could know what AFI was up to in their vague updates about their upcoming album. Then newstations began to be aware of it, and proceeded to tell people about the site, resulting in even my little brother getting an account (awkward). But, whatever. It's a lot of fun and I've gotten Adam Lambert's bassist (the guy that made out with him on national television) to say that he was a free bitch.

After a year of tweeting, I've gotten pretty good at it. I can put quite a bit of emotion in 140 characters. I'm not always brilliant (I have over 6,000 tweets, I had to have flopped sometimes), but I know how to update and not be obnoxious or at least to a point that I've lost all my followers. What's cool is that this talent extends into your Facebook status update abilities. I will suggest not linking your Facebook and your Twitter together, because your nerdy internet life that consists of you reading fanfic about American Idol contestants can and will be revealed. And I can also give you suggestions on how to make a decent Facebook status!

I know what you're thinking: Why the hell do you have the authority to tell me how to update my status? Well, honey, I'm blessed with an extensive internet life. I'm suffering for my digital art so you don't have to. So come on and sit in Ma(ma) Donner's lap so she can give you some tips on how to make status updates that people won't bitch about while they're stalking your profile:

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1. Everyone Poops
A lot of people hate on tstuatus updates, because they don't like "reading about what a person had for breakfast." Guess what, bbs? We all do. Writing about the mundane is pretty unnecessary. We all get up in the morning, make our way for an AM pee, go to the kitchen and eat breakfast, then go off to school/work. The only time you should status update about this is if you do something out of the ordinary. If you woke up at four pm and missed all your classes, that's pretty impressive and status update-worthy. If you tried to pour out your cereal and your little sister's gerbil fell out of it, that's kind of status update worthy and picture worthy, so get that shit on your mobile uploads. If your school is under a bomb threat and you need to get your bad checked, that counts for an update, too (please see the example above). Another good one is if you miss the bus, which leads me to number two...

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2. Schadenfreude is alive and well.
Even though we're a society constructed on Lifetime movies and Hallmark cards, we love to see people fall flat on their face. Why else would there be those weeks worth of American Idol auditions, a loud sound of laughter when an actor flubs their lines on stage, and videos on Youtube dedicated to old ladies falling? We like to watch people fail. As long as you can handle the thought of everyone from your baby cousin that's way too young to have a Facebook to your best friend laughing at your misfortune, update about it. Get an automatic door closed on you? Update. Fall on a really hot girl? Why the hell not? Step in dog shit? Hey, that's considered good luck. And before you ask, I've done all of these things and stauts updated only the first two. Onward to number three...

[I don't have a plus one to call myself out on lolol]
3. No one gives a shit about your +1
Look, we're all really happy that you've found someone. Honest. Society has taught us to be on a constant watch for someone else to spend our life with, and you did. Hooray. Update your relationship status to "in a relationship." I might even like the status if I approve of your significant other. But for the love of God, don't constantly update about it. No one gives a shit if you're going to "spend the day with my boo <3333" Ew. Gag me. And no one gives a shit if you're "celebrating my three week anniversary with my sweetheart xoxoxo" That's not an anniversary, sweetheart. I popped the word into dictionary.com and go this:
the yearly recurrence of the date of a past event: the tenth anniversary of their marriage.

So ultimate, your one month anniversary? Doesn't make sense.

I should, however, point out that I'm not saying that you should not talk about your significant other at all. That's not true. Anniversaries (at least the one that applies to the definition of anniversaries) are kind of a huge deal, especially when you're a "young adult." You have every right to status update about that! I would even go so far to say that you can brag about half years, too! There's nothing wrong with that. But all the months inbetween, keep yourself together. Only update if your significant other does something particularly awesome (for example, my friend's Berklee student metalhead boyfriend randomly started to quote Lady GaGa lyrics. That's pretty awesome). So let's just dance down to number four!

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4. Stop feeling sorry for your sorrow.
If you actually have average sleep (which is eight hours, a number I envy), you're somewhat conscious about sixteen hours a day. You can't expect all sixteen hours of your day to be fabulous. And while it's probably involuntary to go straight to your status update and cry about whatever made you upset (see above), you probably shouldn't. Updating your status is kind of like contemplating punching someone in the face- give yourself fifteen minutes. If you're still kind of bummed, update. Maybe even ask if anyone will want to talk to you and help you come to terms with whatever degree of bummage you're feeling. But also, don't update constantly about your sadness. While sad stuff sucks a lot, you can't be overbearing to everyone else on your feed. There's people that are just as sad as you are, and seeing your sad posts constantly will make them sadder and there's people that are happy while checking their feeds, and seeing negative posts will kill their buzz. You don't want to be that guy. So update wisely when it comes to sad stuff. And finally...

5. SPELLCHECK YER WORK.
Please, for the love of God and all that is holy, have a vague idea of the English language when you're updating your status. No StIcKy CaPs. NO Odd WAYZ OF CAPiTALiZiNG. sum vage idee of th englizh languge. And just basic captilization. That's all I ask for.

And there you go! I hope you all take this to heart and apply it to your status updates! I really hope that you'll get more liked statuses and less eyerolls when people Facebookstalk you!

All my love,
Donna

5 comments:

  1. This is amazing! Great list. I could not agree more about number 5, as an English Lit. major. ;)

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  2. ...I feel like I WIN at status updates after this...

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  3. hey donnaaaa, I saw two guys dancing to Bad Romance in the Dip Into Spring event at BCC two days ago! just letting you know. ;D

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  4. The grammar God is happy with number five. ;P

    If I had a blogspot I'd totally follow you Donna. I should look into this!

    --Emily

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  5. ALRIGHTY. With these rules, I feel as though I can endeavor into the twitterverse. lolol

    THANKS. 8DDDD

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